Dark Side Points

2008-06-20T18:00:00.000-07:00

S: “My mom's bird died.”

DSP: “WTF, she looked healthy last week!”

S: “I guess that's how it is with birds—they go really fast.”

DSP: “Don't let them blame me for giving her bird flu JUST BECAUSE I'M ASIAN.”

2008-05-20T13:23:00.000-07:00

ON CHEATING

DSP: “What if the girl is really hot?”

M: “Yes I am sure you should not sleep with a random hot girl while the woman who wants you to fertilize her is away.”

DSP: “You always take their side! Don't you ever want to sleep with other men?”

M: “Yeah sure, but I don't.”

DSP: “Why not!”

M: “Well for one thing, I don't have time. But why are we talking about me! Don't do it. For your sake. You'll feel bad and you know it... you know what—if you won't feel bad and its purely for sex, do it.”

DSP: “...really? AWESOME! You're a good friend!!”

2008-05-14T15:36:00.000-07:00

M: “Every mom thinks their child is the most beautiful.”

DSP: “I am hoping for an ugly baby. Like those pugs.”

2008-04-08T15:14:00.000-07:00

DSP: “I'm single again! Know any hot girls who are smart and make a lot of money? Under 30 please.”

E: “Under 30? Too much baby talk? Retirement funds? Vacations to Florida?”

DSP: “Someone on the same timeline would be nice.”

E: “Hm.Do you even have a timeline?”

DSP: “Yes.”

E: “Crap, should I? What's your timeline?”

DSP: “Don't worry, Xxxxx drew one up for you. I've seen it.”

E: “What.”

DSP: “It is rigorous.”

E: “WHAT.”

DSP: “There are diagrams.”

E: “OMG he's going to kill me with 18 babies.”

DSP: “Check his documents folder. It's in there.”

E: “Oh in the folder labeled ‘not porn’?”

2008-03-18T11:55:00.000-07:00

AND SO THE STUDENT HAS BECOME THE MASTER

DSP: “So—I shouldn't cheat on my taxes right?”

B: “Cheating is a strong word.”

2008-02-15T09:19:00.000-08:00

GOD-DAMN IT. What did we just say? Panties OVER the garter! What are we supposed to do, get out a pair of scissors?!

2008-02-12T12:05:00.000-08:00

M: “My mom always wanted a son.”

DSP: “Of course she did, they all do. If we were back in China you'd be at the bottom of a river right now! You think about that next time you feel like telling her you love her!”

2008-01-30T10:54:00.000-08:00

TIMELY ADVICE FOR VALENTINES DAY:

Girls: Panties go on over the garter belt.

Boys: Thumbs go on the outside of your fingers when you're making a fist to punch someone; inside when you're doing... other things.

2008-01-25T09:46:00.000-08:00

CONFESSION: We haven't turned on our Wii since September because every time we do, our ex-girlfriend's Mii pops up and it makes us want to call her.

2008-01-14T18:07:00.000-08:00

DSP: “So it looks like it's just you and me for drinks.”

E: “Ok, I am in a pretty pissy mood just now.”

DSP: “Oh dear lord.”

E: “You may have to give me 20 minutes to cool off.”

DSP: “Jesus, is this about your menses?”

2008-01-14T17:57:00.000-08:00

DSP: “Uh, so I wrote a critique like you asked... it may be harsh. I've tried to tone it down. In fact you may want to cut out that last bit.”

S: “I'm sure it is harsh, and I'm sure you have tried to tone it down, and I'll try again. But it's hard—the thing is pretty awful.”

DSP: “You know what should turn you on is my mastery of the difference between ‘its’ and ‘it's’.”

S: “You are so awesome. I'm only halfway through, but I'm getting all tingly in my naughty parts. I love it when you talk tough about design.”

DSP: “I changed the language at the end because originally it said ‘you suck’ too many times.”

2007-12-06T10:54:00.000-08:00

DSP: “I don't know man, you find a girl who isn't like that, you hang on.”

DSP: “Speaking of which, have you gone back to see that chick at Xxxxxxxx yet?”

S: “No, I will Saturday! I'm skurred!”

DSP: “What's the worst that could happen? Divorce? Deportation?”

S: “Nah, [my wife]'s a citizen now.”

2007-10-16T18:24:00.000-07:00

DSP: “Ok, I like meat and anchovies—but this isn't about me; you can get whatever you want.”

S: “Damned right it's not. Jesus, I'm driving all the way out there, bringing you pizza, and driving you to work at the crack of dawn, so this pizza is going to be all about me. I'm getting dildos on it.”

2007-10-15T00:49:00.000-07:00

S: “I felt kind of rejected last night when you fell asleep with your cock in my hand.”

2007-08-07T15:43:00.000-07:00

K: “Do you watch Top Chef?”

DSP: “Nope. Is that the one with Gordon Ramsay?”

K: “No it's with Padma Lakshmi and the chef from Craft in NY. I love it. And they have casting calls in LA in two weeks. How funny if I showed up, no chef experience at all.”

DSP: “You should. You'll be the plucky wildcard. And they will show you crying. It'll be great.”

K: “Yeah, I wish I had someone to go with. Otherwise, it's more humiliating if I go alone.”

DSP: “For the audition, you should bake some rice krispie squares. And put little American flags on them.”

2007-07-31T12:25:00.000-07:00

DSP: “It's not too late to have an abortion.”

M: “Speaking of cunts, the doctor drew me a diagram of an Asian vag and a black woman's vag—WOAH. Theirs are three times bigger apparently.”

DSP: “Why did he do this? And can I see.”

M: “Because I asked him what the chances of me tearing are, and he said, ‘well, let's put it this way...’ and drew the diagram. I should have asked for a copy of his artwork. It's like three times wider. Their butt holes too, apparently.”

DSP: “Are you sure he isn't just being racist?”

M: “Maybe.”

2007-07-17T09:48:00.000-07:00

The mere act of putting our penis into your mouth, does not a "blowjob" make. You can't claim to have given us "tons" of blowjobs if we've never actually achieved orgasm from said insert-tab-A-into-slot-B. And finally, no blowjob should take longer than 10 minutes*. If it does, you're not doing it right and we're probably faking it. This means you're shit at it, and you need to look up directions on the internet.

Don't hate. We're just saying what your boyfriend is telling the other girls he fucks.

* This figure is generously padded.
** Just like your mom.

2007-07-06T12:13:00.000-07:00

Jr: “SFO? or OAK”

DSP: “SFO. OAK is a pain in the ass to get to.”

Jr: “So I heard. FROM YOU. You are just prejudiced against OAK.”

DSP: “Yes.”

Jr: “Anti-Oakland bigot! You hate learning. And. Whatever else they have over there.”

DSP: “They have learning?”

Jr: “Isnt' there a school of some kind... I'm thinking of Berkeley.”

DSP: “Berkeley:Oakland::MIT:Boston”

DSP: “Well, if Boston was more like Baltimore. Or Teaneck.”

Jr: “Dude Teaneck gives me the willies. It sounds like something from Hostel III where someone decapitates someone and lowers his balls into their spurting neckhole.”

Jr: “Ew. That is the grossest thing I have ever thought.”

DSP: “Yes, that is exactly what Oakland is like. But with more hyphee.”

2007-05-30T11:02:00.000-07:00

DSP: “Xxxxxxxx told me she dreamt she was pregnant and I said I dreamt she was someone else.”

J: “That is why you will die alone.”

2007-05-23T17:25:00.000-07:00

K: “So I have to send a sympathy card to Xxxxx's mom. His grandmother died. I have only met her three times. Do you think I should sign:

Love, [FirstName]
[FirstName] [LastName]
[FirstName] (Xxxxx's girlfriend)”

K: “Sorry I obsess over little things like this.”

DSP: “Sign it: [FirstName] [LastName] (I am letting your son bone me)”

2007-05-18T11:45:00.000-07:00

DSP: “I promise not to kick your baby. When you're around.”

M: “You better not!”

DSP: “Come on, Uncle DSP wouldn't do that!”

DSP: “Oh listen—are you going to want me to lie about your baby's appearance? Or do you want the truth?”

M: “Umm... I guess it would be nicer to lie?”

DSP: “Ok, just planning ahead. I'd better go ahead and come up with some convincing lies now. ‘That baby is... breathtaking.’”

M: “I'd love to see how you are with your nephew.”

DSP: “My sister gets mad! She's all, There's nothing wrong with Xxxx! His eyes will straighten out!”

M: “!! Maybe you should lie!”

DSP: “He's cross eyed!! I'm sure he will excel at whatever his little heart desires! As long as it doesn't involve depth perception!”

M: “Yes, definitely lie for my baby.”

2007-05-11T11:51:00.000-07:00

Zen or Just A Dick?
[Courtesy of U to the Dizzle]

2007-05-10T10:28:00.000-07:00

DSP: “Xxxx wouldn't sleep with me last night because she's ‘afraid of hurting me.’ She thinks I have... feelings.”

M: “That's a tough one.”

DSP: “I tried to explain that I'm just looking to have a good time but she wasn't getting it.”

M: “What did you say?”

DSP: “I told her I'm only interested in her body.”

M: “Maybe she's getting you back for not sleeping with her the last time.”

DSP: “That's what's so frustrating! I know we're on the same page with this!! So why can't she just do me already! AND I don't even really want it! I was going to cancel on her yesterday! Gah!”

M: “Aww, poor guy.”

DSP: “Why are girls so dense? Like, why can't you just believe that I am only interested in using you?!”

2007-04-25T09:51:00.000-07:00

DSP: “I think Xxxxxxxx's new tattoo is hot. She's also lost a bit of weight since I broke up with her. This ALWAYS happens.”

M: “Oh man, you're so going to sleep with her.”

DSP: “It's the Dark Side Points diet plan—date me for a while, I break up with you, and BAM!
-10 lbs.”

DSP: “Speaking of which, you might want to plan on going out with me soon.”

2007-04-20T13:48:00.000-07:00

M: “I have my 10 year high school reunion tonight. What do you say to people you haven't seen in 10 years?”

DSP: “ ‘Wow, you got fat.’ ”

M: “Should I tell them I got knocked up?”

DSP: “No, just tell them you got fat.”