A Catalogue of Malicious Life Advice
Need advice?
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
DSP: “It's not too late to have an abortion.”
M: “Speaking of cunts, the doctor drew me a diagram of an Asian vag and a black woman's vag—WOAH. Theirs are three times bigger apparently.”
DSP: “Why did he do this? And can I see.”
M: “Because I asked him what the chances of me tearing are, and he said, ‘well, let's put it this way...’ and drew the diagram. I should have asked for a copy of his artwork. It's like three times wider. Their butt holes too, apparently.”
DSP: “Are you sure he isn't just being racist?”
M: “Maybe.”
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
The mere act of putting our penis into your mouth, does not a "blowjob" make. You can't claim to have given us "tons" of blowjobs if we've never actually achieved orgasm from said insert-tab-A-into-slot-B. And finally, no blowjob should take longer than 10 minutes*. If it does, you're not doing it right and we're probably faking it. This means you're shit at it, and you need to look up directions on the internet.
Don't hate. We're just saying what your boyfriend is telling the other girls he fucks.
* This figure is generously padded.
** Just like your mom.
Friday, July 06, 2007
Jr: “SFO? or OAK”
DSP: “SFO. OAK is a pain in the ass to get to.”
Jr: “So I heard. FROM YOU. You are just prejudiced against OAK.”
DSP: “Yes.”
Jr: “Anti-Oakland bigot! You hate learning. And. Whatever else they have over there.”
DSP: “They have learning?”
Jr: “Isnt' there a school of some kind... I'm thinking of Berkeley.”
DSP: “Berkeley:Oakland::MIT:Boston”
DSP: “Well, if Boston was more like Baltimore. Or Teaneck.”
Jr: “Dude Teaneck gives me the willies. It sounds like something from Hostel III where someone decapitates someone and lowers his balls into their spurting neckhole.”
Jr: “Ew. That is the grossest thing I have ever thought.”
DSP: “Yes, that is exactly what Oakland is like. But with more hyphee.”