A Catalogue of Malicious Life Advice
Need advice?
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
DSP: “Xxxxxxxx told me she dreamt she was pregnant and I said I dreamt she was someone else.”
J: “That is why you will die alone.”
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
K: “So I have to send a sympathy card to Xxxxx's mom. His grandmother died. I have only met her three times. Do you think I should sign:
- Love, [FirstName]
- [FirstName] [LastName]
- [FirstName] (Xxxxx's girlfriend)”
K: “Sorry I obsess over little things like this.”
DSP: “Sign it: [FirstName] [LastName] (I am letting your son bone me)”
Friday, May 18, 2007
DSP: “I promise not to kick your baby. When you're around.”
M: “You better not!”
DSP: “Come on, Uncle DSP wouldn't do that!”
DSP: “Oh listen—are you going to want me to lie about your baby's appearance? Or do you want the truth?”
M: “Umm... I guess it would be nicer to lie?”
DSP: “Ok, just planning ahead. I'd better go ahead and come up with some convincing lies now. ‘That baby is... breathtaking.’”
M: “I'd love to see how you are with your nephew.”
DSP: “My sister gets mad! She's all, There's nothing wrong with Xxxx! His eyes will straighten out!”
M: “!! Maybe you should lie!”
DSP: “He's cross eyed!! I'm sure he will excel at whatever his little heart desires! As long as it doesn't involve depth perception!”
M: “Yes, definitely lie for my baby.”
Friday, May 11, 2007
Zen or Just A Dick?
[Courtesy of U to the Dizzle]
Thursday, May 10, 2007
DSP: “Xxxx wouldn't sleep with me last night because she's ‘afraid of hurting me.’ She thinks I have... feelings.”
M: “That's a tough one.”
DSP: “I tried to explain that I'm just looking to have a good time but she wasn't getting it.”
M: “What did you say?”
DSP: “I told her I'm only interested in her body.”
M: “Maybe she's getting you back for not sleeping with her the last time.”
DSP: “That's what's so frustrating! I know we're on the same page with this!! So why can't she just do me already! AND I don't even really want it! I was going to cancel on her yesterday! Gah!”
M: “Aww, poor guy.”
DSP: “Why are girls so dense? Like, why can't you just believe that I am only interested in using you?!”