A Catalogue of Malicious Life Advice
Need advice?
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
DSP: “I think Xxxxxxxx's new tattoo is hot. She's also lost a bit of weight since I broke up with her. This ALWAYS happens.”
M: “Oh man, you're so going to sleep with her.”
DSP: “It's the Dark Side Points diet plan—date me for a while, I break up with you, and BAM!
-10 lbs.”
DSP: “Speaking of which, you might want to plan on going out with me soon.”
Friday, April 20, 2007
M: “I have my 10 year high school reunion tonight. What do you say to people you haven't seen in 10 years?”
DSP: “ ‘Wow, you got fat.’ ”
M: “Should I tell them I got knocked up?”
DSP: “No, just tell them you got fat.”
Monday, April 16, 2007
DSP: “God, I keep eating the curry. It's a good thing I made 4 quarts of it.”
J: “You're gonna be sick.”
DSP: “Yes. I dated a girl in college who wouldn't go down on guys if they'd had Indian food recently. I thought that was vaguely racist.”
J: “Slut.”
DSP: “Eh?”
J: “When you care about what people have recently eaten, because you are gargling so much jizz that you're making rules about it, I would say you're a slut.”
DSP: “I think that's fair.”
J: “It also kind of sounds like she wants to be a cum connoisseur.”
DSP: “Speaking of which, I have to take someone to a dinner on Friday. Should I take Xxxx, the girl I work with, or Xxxxxx, my friend who just moved here because she's running away from an abusive relationship and has changed her name and is totally crazy.”
J: “But is she really crazy? Or just escaping crazy?”
DSP: “Eh, same difference. She has all sorts of problems. And I aim to be one of them.”
J: “You mean you're going to give her problems in bed?”
DSP: “That's the plan!”
J: “You should tell her that if she doesn't sleep with you, you will tell Xxxxxxx where she is.”
DSP: “OMG that is... brilliant.”
J: “Put together a package and say you sent it to me, and that if I don't talk to you for 3 days, I am supposed to mail it.”
DSP:
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
The best piece of advice anyone's ever given us about relationships is this: It is your girlfriend's job to bring joy into your life and make you feel good about who you are. If she isn't performing, you need to fire her and interview others for the position.
Girls, the advice is pretty much the same for you: There are hundreds of applicants just like you, except better qualified and with more experience. We hope for your sake you swallow.
OH NO WE DIDN'T