A Catalogue of Malicious Life Advice
Need advice?
Monday, March 26, 2007
M: “I can't stop eating today.”
DSP: “Why stop? Just get a funnel.”
M: [frown]
Friday, March 16, 2007
Dear dark side points,
I was in what I like to consider a drunken/drugged fuck-fest, for about a year. At first everything seemed to be going fine until he just wanted me to give him oral sex everytime we hung out together. When I would say no he would grab my hair and try to force me. I honestly felt like I had no way out of it so I was always suckered into it. Everytime he needed a ride (because he doesn't have a car) or he needed money (because he doesn't have a job) I would always go running to help him out. I started to fall for him and I have no idea why. Maybe it's because girls always go for the assholes. I couldn't stand all of the physical and emotional abuse and I tried to get away from it but I couldn't. He had the power to suck me back in. He was the second person I ever had sex with (and the first was a one afternoon stand) so I feel so emotionally attached to him because he actually wanted me, but only in private because when we were around his friends he would hit me and treat me so badly (his friends thought it was funny).
Him and I have not seen each other in about 9 months because he has a girlfriend now and he doesn't need me around. In any case, I still think about how much I love him and miss him and how much he hurt me on a day to day basis. My question is, because of my trust issues and fear of getting hurt will I ever be able to seriously love someone again? Would it be a completely horrible idea to reach out to him and tell him I love him but he ruined me or is that far too pathetic?
Sincerely,
Vulnerable Masochist
Vulnerable Masochist
Dear Crazy McCuckoo,
While pretty much everyone you care to ask will point to the nine months you've been crippled by an inability to move on and your continued desire to get back in touch, and (fairly) judge you as “pathetic”, Dark Side Points is a hopeless romantic at heart. We believe that Love conquers all—it just needs a little help and/or encouragement sometimes. Clearly all that backstory about how he mentally and physically abused you is immaterial; the real roadblock to your happiness has to be the new girlfriend. We think you should plan a confrontation with this girl, and have yourselves a little “talk”.
You're going to need the following items:
- rubber hose, 20' or more
- box of dark colored trash bags
- mace/pepper spray
- latex gloves
- BB gun (pistol)
- knife or machete
- steel mallet
- a disguise (at a minimum, a wig and trenchcoat)
- adult diapers (for the 16 hr drive)
You may have heard about something similar in the papers recently, and that, admittedly, didn't turn out so well. But while that particular go-getter failed on her mission, YOU will have a clear advantage in the motivation department, as the object of your love is not some loser space shuttle jockey, but an unemployed, borderline rapist.
So shine on, you crazy diamond. Oh, and can we have $500 and the keys to your car?
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Dear dark side points,
I've been dating a french guy for almost a month, and on monday night, he told me that his grandfather died so we couldn't spend the night together. I understood and wrote him a card that said, "I'm sorry for your loss, if you need me, you know where to find me. I want to help you feel better." I brought it to his house the next day and gave it to him, because I wanted to see him. When he came to the door, he said that last night he actually met up with an old friend and had sex with her. The first thing that came to my mind was, "how was it?" and if he used a condom. I left feeling confused and sad, but a couple hours later I realized something crucial:
I had cheated on a couple boyfriends in the past, and never told them. I felt that I could get away with anything and that I was above the whole "what goes around comes around" thing. I was pleased as punch when I should've been getting a karmic beatdown. You know how some people do bad things because they want to get caught? They test their waters, hoping that someone will set a boundary? I knew I was playing with fire, and it was just a matter of time that I'd get bitchslapped. Now that it's happened, I'm relieved! I honestly have no hard feelings towards the guy, I'm actually grateful that this happened with him (a throwaway relationship) instead of someone who really matters! I can learn from this experience to become a better girlfriend and a better person.
My question, now that I've been on the receiving end, my karma is on its way to getting clean, right?
Signed,
Validate Me
Validate Me
Dear vag monologues,
You are a strong, emancipated woman, who doesn't need a man to validate her self-worth*; so when Pepé Le Pew sniffed out une autre femme skunk fatale, of course you were grateful and not at all broken. Progressive! Woman! RARR!
You do deserve some recognition in that your French fry had to kill off his grand-père just to avoid you for the evening. We have only ever had a headache ourselves, or at most an early meeting.
But all that is neither here nor there; no, your question is how much more penance are you going to have to make before you are deserving of lollipops and sunshine. We say: none! The shoe has dropped! So what if it's a hush puppy! If the best the cosmos can come up with for years of gleeful infidelity is to end things benignly with someone you consider disposable, well, GO SHORTY ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY. Pay no attention to what they say about karma not actually being about punishment and reward. Consider the cosmic ledger balanced. You're golden. Invincible, even!
Treat this like you'd treat a bank error in your favor: go buy some new shoes. And by 'new shoes' we mean 'do a lot of random guys.'
*Unless it's in the form of an anonymous web advice column.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Hello!
So I have this ex, and he's still super jealous of anyone I talk to and all that nonsense, and at his birthday party, I took home and proceeded to have sex with one of his very good friends.
Now, the issue here is not, should I care that jealous ex will freak if/when he finds out about my sexcapades with his friend. Instead, I'm concerned that jealous ex will freak at his friend if/when he finds out about our sexcapades?
I don't care so much if my ex decides to stop talking to me, but I'm having an issue with pursuing his friend and potentially becoming the catalyst to the demise of their friendship.
What do you think? Pursue the ex's friend and maybe end a friendship, or let it lie and find a boy somewhere else?
yours,
Overly Caring
Overly Caring
Dear overtly caring,
While Dark Side Points is touched and impressed by your “bros before hoes” attitude (exemplary in both your ability to empathise, as well as self-identify), we are reminded of something a wise man once said:
“Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one!” -H. Simpson
We're going to let you in on a little secret. Boys, with the exception of the gayest of the emo, practice a realpolitik that is unheard of in the female world. There is no hand wringing, no crying, no schoolgirl drama. Getting laid trumps all.
And, our junior high school fantasies on being forced into lovemaking aside, doing the worm is a team effort; it was his choice as much as yours to ride the skin bus to tuna town. So pass the buck and let him sort it out with his friend. If letting your ex's buddy plow you is enough to ruin their friendship, so be it.
There, we just gave you the Get-Out-Of-Guilt-Free card that you were looking for. So what if there's a million other guys out there waiting to get into your pants. The shiny one under glass that says “don't touch” is much better.
P.S., They'll make up after you dump him.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
K: “So I am totally having a roommate hating moment. The kitchen is overflowing with dishes. Ok I am going upstairs to freakin clean the kitchen. It's starting to smell. I feel on the verge of being very passive aggressive—or actively aggressive.”
DSP: “I vote for active.”
K: “Yeah. I might just say: what's up with not unloading dishes all weekend? That's active right?”
DSP: “I was thinking more along the lines of putting all the dirty dishes in his bed.”
Friday, March 02, 2007
Dear dark side points,
Is it okay to dump someone over text message/IM? I don't actually ever want to see this person again, and I don't have a whole email's worth of anything to tell them. I also like the immediacy of it.
- Bored in Brooklyn
Dear heartless cunt,
Of course it's ok! You gotta take care of yourself first, kiddo. If txting "its not u its me" rather than undertaking the laborious effort of spelling out the word "you" in a formal breakup email makes you a bad person, well, then I guess we're ALL bad people, aren't we?