A Catalogue of Malicious Life Advice
Need advice?
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
J: “I think someone at work has a crush on me.”
DSP: “You work?”
J: “[My boss] told me I wasn't allowed to sleep with him on his first day.”
DSP: “So do you like this guy?”
J: “We get along.”
DSP: “Does it even matter? You're going to snog him for about a week and then ignore him forever.”
J: “He's really cute, but I only work with like 5 people.”
DSP: “Who cares. You've never considered the consequences of your actions before, why start now?”
J: “[My friend] is trying to convince me it's a good idea, but she's crazy.”
DSP: “Whatevs. ‘Convince.’ You already know what you're going to do. We can't control who we snog. God if we could, we'd all be happily married by now.”
DSP: “Follow your heart and liiiiiiiiive! But yeah, dating coworkers is a really bad idea.”
J: “And you should know.”
DSP: “Yah srsly—Xxxx, Xxxxxx, Xxxx, parts of Xxxx.”
J: “Parts of Xxxx?”
DSP: “Yeah, just the interesting parts.”
Monday, February 26, 2007
K: “So I sorta wish I had a friend who worked from home who would be up for walks during lunch on the beach Do you think I could post ad on craigslist? Or would I get weirdos.”
DSP: “You would probably get a LOT of weirdos.”
K: “Even if I said female only? I might as well right? I don't have to write anyone back if they seem odd and they will only have my craigslist email.”
DSP: “No, you should totally do it. It'll be awesome.”
K: “Ok I guess I will do it.”
K: “Do you think I should specify female only? Or just say, I am not looking for a date.”
DSP: “I'm pretty sure the sub-rosa for activity partner postings is, lonely people trying to come up with a pretense for creating a romantic situation.”
K: “Oh god. I am not one of those lonely people posting for a friend.”
DSP: “That's exactly what you are.”
DSP: “Anyway, what I mean is, if you absolutely don't have romantic goals, the easiest way is to make sure you're hanging out with another girl. OR, you could just have an affair. And what, affair, you're not even married yet.”
K: “How's this:
I work from home in Xxxxxxx and would love to have a workout buddy to take power walks on the beach at lunch or after work. I'd be up for possibly jogging too -- any excuse to take a break from computer and stay fit.
Females preferred.
DSP: “Sounds pretty good But where it says ‘Females preferred’ you should write instead ‘Females preferred; men should send a recent photo and a brief bio, incl. annual salary.’”
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
DSP: “I just asked Xxxx if she wanted a spoonful of frosting.”
M: “Ew.”
DSP: “Is that considered sexual harassment?”
M: “Yeah I think so. Aw, I just dropped a pepper into my cleavage. [frown]”
DSP: “You have cleavage now?!”
M: “Yeah!!! Exciting!”
DSP: “Holy crap!”
M: “I'm storing up the milk. Haha.”
DSP: “My god. Xxxx is actually coming over to eat my spoonful of frosting.”