A Catalogue of Malicious Life Advice
Need advice?
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Dear dark side points,
I've been dating a french guy for almost a month, and on monday night, he told me that his grandfather died so we couldn't spend the night together. I understood and wrote him a card that said, "I'm sorry for your loss, if you need me, you know where to find me. I want to help you feel better." I brought it to his house the next day and gave it to him, because I wanted to see him. When he came to the door, he said that last night he actually met up with an old friend and had sex with her. The first thing that came to my mind was, "how was it?" and if he used a condom. I left feeling confused and sad, but a couple hours later I realized something crucial:
I had cheated on a couple boyfriends in the past, and never told them. I felt that I could get away with anything and that I was above the whole "what goes around comes around" thing. I was pleased as punch when I should've been getting a karmic beatdown. You know how some people do bad things because they want to get caught? They test their waters, hoping that someone will set a boundary? I knew I was playing with fire, and it was just a matter of time that I'd get bitchslapped. Now that it's happened, I'm relieved! I honestly have no hard feelings towards the guy, I'm actually grateful that this happened with him (a throwaway relationship) instead of someone who really matters! I can learn from this experience to become a better girlfriend and a better person.
My question, now that I've been on the receiving end, my karma is on its way to getting clean, right?
Signed,
Validate Me
Validate Me
Dear vag monologues,
You are a strong, emancipated woman, who doesn't need a man to validate her self-worth*; so when Pepé Le Pew sniffed out une autre femme skunk fatale, of course you were grateful and not at all broken. Progressive! Woman! RARR!
You do deserve some recognition in that your French fry had to kill off his grand-père just to avoid you for the evening. We have only ever had a headache ourselves, or at most an early meeting.
But all that is neither here nor there; no, your question is how much more penance are you going to have to make before you are deserving of lollipops and sunshine. We say: none! The shoe has dropped! So what if it's a hush puppy! If the best the cosmos can come up with for years of gleeful infidelity is to end things benignly with someone you consider disposable, well, GO SHORTY ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY. Pay no attention to what they say about karma not actually being about punishment and reward. Consider the cosmic ledger balanced. You're golden. Invincible, even!
Treat this like you'd treat a bank error in your favor: go buy some new shoes. And by 'new shoes' we mean 'do a lot of random guys.'
*Unless it's in the form of an anonymous web advice column.
