A Catalogue of Malicious Life Advice
Need advice?
Sunday, April 19, 2009
(We continue to dole out advice on Aardvark)
Aardvark: You there? I have a question about *Sex* - can you help?
J (M/Brooklyn,NY): “What is sex?”
DSP: “Oh, I don't know why you're not there
I give you my love, but you don't care
So what is right and what is wrong
Gimme a sign”
J: “Please elaborate.”
DSP: “What is love
Oh baby, don't hurt me
Don't hurt me no more
What is love
Oh baby, don't hurt me”
J: “Still not getting it, more?”
DSP: “Whoa whoa whoa, oooh oooh
Whoa whoa whoa, oooh oooh”
J: “Thank you! I'm now ready for sex.”
Sunday, March 22, 2009
(We now sometimes give advice via Aardvark)
Aardvark: You there? I have a question about *dating* that I think you might be able to answer.
M: (25/M/SanFrancisco,CA) “Most awesomest place to find people to hook up with in San Francisco?”
DSP: “Oh for fucks sake get on match.com and meet some girls with herpes already.”
M: “Thanks”
Sunday, February 08, 2009
DSP: “You bought used tires?”
B: “I bought 2 used tires for $90.”
DSP: “Two? Are you not rotating your tires enough?”
B: “Apparently not.”
DSP: “You could get a jack and a torque wrench and rotate them yourself… an added bonus is getting to play Stanley Kowalski for an afternoon, which totally gets chicks moist.”
B: “You know that talking about cars is mostly only attractive to other men right?”
DSP: “Dude, coveralls. I know what I'm talking about.”
B: “OK good point.”
B: “Wait, also Stanley Kowalski was a rapist.”
DSP: “That is complicated.”
Friday, November 21, 2008
DSP: “GOD this girl. How do you have a bodonkadonk like that but have such slim features elsewhere? I am amazed.”
S: “Some girls got it like that.”
DSP: “Like, thin arms and legs, pretty face, good boobs and then SHAZAAAM!”
S: “That sounds pretty damn good.”
DSP: “YES you should go eat there, all their hosts are hot.”
S: “How is the food? Or does it matter.”
DSP: “Good, Gourmet magazine just rated them as one of the top 10 seafood restaurants in America. I would've taken a picture but I was with a client.”
S: “Hahaha! You're like, ‘excuse me, Mr. Smith, can you just lean to the left a bit? I'm trying to get that ass in focus.’”
DSP: “God. I want to see her sit on a sheet cake…I want to see her DESTROY that cake…with great vengeance and furious anger…”
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
M: “I'm so out of it. I feel like there are a million things to do and I don't know where to start.”
DSP: “Nah. Relax. Put your feet up. It's like that old story about the ants and the grasshopper. You know, how the ants were these suckers who worked too much and the grasshopper just kicked back and enjoyed life. That's why there's a cocktail named after the grasshopper and not the ants—cus he was a fun guy!”
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
M: “Oh god. Xxxxx's status msg is ‘…has a crush on sarah palin’.”
DSP: “We need to have smart kids that aren't assholes like Xxxxx. It's the only way to save America—for me to have as many kids as possible, with as many women as possible.”
M: “That's my biggest fear—that [my baby daughter] will grow up to be an asshole.”
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Your wife isn't that hot. Stop posting photos of her to Flickr.
Friday, August 22, 2008
JB: “DSP, I need help.”
DSP: “What's up?”
JB: “I need to make an "I fear ..." statement.”
DSP: “You don't have any fears? And you want to borrow one of mine?”
JB: “I do—but they are boring.”
DSP: “Like what?”
JB: “...I fear seeds.”
DSP: “HA HA HA! Oh man that's awesome. Put that down!”
JB: “No, it's weird.”
DSP: “Everyone else is going to have some dull bullshit like I fear I'll never get to be truly creative.”
JB: “Well, should I be specific? Because specifically I fear green pepper and cantaloupe seeds. Occasionally watermelon.”
DSP: “What is it about them?”
JB: “They cluster. It's like a little army! And it's too perfect how they get all aligned. I've got chills just thinking about it. What if there is some psychology that says that means I've been abused or something?”
DSP: “If I heard a girl say she was afraid of seeds I would hit on her. FACT.”
DSP: “You know how you were telling me the other day about how you dropped your baby and how bad it made you feel?”
DSP: “And I laughed and laughed...”
M: “Yeah, thanks!”
DSP: “Well now I know how you feel! I dropped my iPhone this morning!”
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
It's a good thing your iPhone doesn't have MMS because you would've gotten a picture of our penis by now.
Friday, June 20, 2008
S: “My mom's bird died.”
DSP: “WTF, she looked healthy last week!”
S: “I guess that's how it is with birds—they go really fast.”
DSP: “Don't let them blame me for giving her bird flu JUST BECAUSE I'M ASIAN.”
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
ON CHEATING
DSP: “What if the girl is really hot?”
M: “Yes I am sure you should not sleep with a random hot girl while the woman who wants you to fertilize her is away.”
DSP: “You always take their side! Don't you ever want to sleep with other men?”
M: “Yeah sure, but I don't.”
DSP: “Why not!”
M: “Well for one thing, I don't have time. But why are we talking about me! Don't do it. For your sake. You'll feel bad and you know it... you know what—if you won't feel bad and its purely for sex, do it.”
DSP: “...really? AWESOME! You're a good friend!!”
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
M: “Every mom thinks their child is the most beautiful.”
DSP: “I am hoping for an ugly baby. Like those pugs.”
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
DSP: “I'm single again! Know any hot girls who are smart and make a lot of money? Under 30 please.”
E: “Under 30? Too much baby talk? Retirement funds? Vacations to Florida?”
DSP: “Someone on the same timeline would be nice.”
E: “Hm.Do you even have a timeline?”
DSP: “Yes.”
E: “Crap, should I? What's your timeline?”
DSP: “Don't worry, Xxxxx drew one up for you. I've seen it.”
E: “What.”
DSP: “It is rigorous.”
E: “WHAT.”
DSP: “There are diagrams.”
E: “OMG he's going to kill me with 18 babies.”
DSP: “Check his documents folder. It's in there.”
E: “Oh in the folder labeled ‘not porn’?”
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
AND SO THE STUDENT HAS BECOME THE MASTER
DSP: “So—I shouldn't cheat on my taxes right?”
B: “Cheating is a strong word.”
Friday, February 15, 2008
GOD-DAMN IT. What did we just say? Panties OVER the garter! What are we supposed to do, get out a pair of scissors?!
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
M: “My mom always wanted a son.”
DSP: “Of course she did, they all do. If we were back in China you'd be at the bottom of a river right now! You think about that next time you feel like telling her you love her!”
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
TIMELY ADVICE FOR VALENTINES DAY:
Girls: Panties go on over the garter belt.
Boys: Thumbs go on the outside of your fingers when you're making a fist to punch someone; inside when you're doing... other things.
Friday, January 25, 2008
CONFESSION: We haven't turned on our Wii since September because every time we do, our ex-girlfriend's Mii pops up and it makes us want to call her.
Monday, January 14, 2008
DSP: “So it looks like it's just you and me for drinks.”
E: “Ok, I am in a pretty pissy mood just now.”
DSP: “Oh dear lord.”
E: “You may have to give me 20 minutes to cool off.”
DSP: “Jesus, is this about your menses?”
DSP: “Uh, so I wrote a critique like you asked... it may be harsh. I've tried to tone it down. In fact you may want to cut out that last bit.”
S: “I'm sure it is harsh, and I'm sure you have tried to tone it down, and I'll try again. But it's hard—the thing is pretty awful.”
DSP: “You know what should turn you on is my mastery of the difference between ‘its’ and ‘it's’.”
S: “You are so awesome. I'm only halfway through, but I'm getting all tingly in my naughty parts. I love it when you talk tough about design.”
DSP: “I changed the language at the end because originally it said ‘you suck’ too many times.”
Thursday, December 06, 2007
DSP: “I don't know man, you find a girl who isn't like that, you hang on.”
DSP: “Speaking of which, have you gone back to see that chick at Xxxxxxxx yet?”
S: “No, I will Saturday! I'm skurred!”
DSP: “What's the worst that could happen? Divorce? Deportation?”
S: “Nah, [my wife]'s a citizen now.”
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
DSP: “Ok, I like meat and anchovies—but this isn't about me; you can get whatever you want.”
S: “Damned right it's not. Jesus, I'm driving all the way out there, bringing you pizza, and driving you to work at the crack of dawn, so this pizza is going to be all about me. I'm getting dildos on it.”
Monday, October 15, 2007
S: “I felt kind of rejected last night when you fell asleep with your cock in my hand.”
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
K: “Do you watch Top Chef?”
DSP: “Nope. Is that the one with Gordon Ramsay?”
K: “No it's with Padma Lakshmi and the chef from Craft in NY. I love it. And they have casting calls in LA in two weeks. How funny if I showed up, no chef experience at all.”
DSP: “You should. You'll be the plucky wildcard. And they will show you crying. It'll be great.”
K: “Yeah, I wish I had someone to go with. Otherwise, it's more humiliating if I go alone.”
DSP: “For the audition, you should bake some rice krispie squares. And put little American flags on them.”
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