A Catalogue of Malicious Life Advice
Need advice?
Monday, November 02, 2009
J: “Is it okay to email someone and be like, ‘your kid is cute, but I think they'd be happier if they weren't so fat?’”
DSP: “I don't see why not.”
J: “What if you're not really friends? Like you haven't seen them in 10 years?
DSP: “I think they would appreciate an objective appraisal of the most important and precious thing in their lives, yes.”
J: “All the more reason, right? I think nobody they know is telling them.”
DSP: “You're… you're just trying to get on the website, aren't you?”
DSP: “So my old old girlfriend from college emailed me some photos of herself. I’ve always said that all you need to know about someone you can tell from looking at their shoes. I looked at what she was wearing and felt instantly at peace about how our lives diverged.”
J: “I agree without question. ACCEPT!”
DSP: “And not in a mean way either; just… literally at peace about it all.”
J: “I wanna seeeeeee!”
J: “OH… terrible shoes.”
Thursday, October 22, 2009
S: “You need to see this video.”
DSP: “Is this going to end in a penis falling out? Not that there's anything wrong with that.”
S: “I don’t think so.”
DSP: “Woah. Brazilians man, I’m glad they got the Olympics. I... probably shouldn’t... watching this at work.”
S: “This is 2009. Old rules don't apply.”
DSP: “I’m so distracted I’m just straight up leaving words out of my sentences. I think I need a palate cleanser after that.”
S: “Like a skinny hipster ho?”
DSP: “No, like something completely normal. Like a picture of a used Honda Civic. I need to recalibrate and reset. That was... stunning. Literally I feel stunned.”
S: “Jesus Christ there was just a spider on my arm!”
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
DSP: “Do you have a Star Trek dress? I think every lady should have a Star Trek dress.”
J: “I have wanted one for a long time. I couldn’t find any last time I looked. Thank you for reminding me.”
J: “Should I ask the guy I’m sleeping with if he would like to have sex with me in it? I will have to remember to ask, it’s kind of weird to text it.”
DSP: “Why would that be weird?”
J: “I guess it’s not.”
DSP: “THAT GUY NEEDS TO SEND ME A THANK YOU CARD”
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
DSP: “Hey, I assume I have powers of eminent domain over anything you have in the fridge?”
Z: “What?? Why would you say that?”
DSP: “Because I took your butt virginity?”
Friday, July 10, 2009
S: “I went to the gym last night kinda late, my wife was out with a friend, she got home around 10. I was at the gym in sauna, so I didn't have my phone with me obviously. I didn't get back to her for about 30 minutes and she thought I left her for some reason.”
DSP: “What?”
S: “When I got home she was like, I'm going crazy, I thought you just left me for another woman.”
DSP: “She couldn't find you for 30 min and she thought you ditched her for good?”
S: “I feel bad for her lately. She's unhappy because shes not working.”
DSP: “Tell her she needs to get off her ass and go find her a job! Be like I AM gonna leave your ass if you keep being a drain on this family!!”
S: “I don't think that's gonna help. She puts enough pressure on herself.”
DSP: “When she comes home tonight be at the dining room table with one of those green accountant visors on, looking through some paperwork all concerned. You should also be on the phone "one sec honey, just talking to my lawyer."”
Sunday, April 19, 2009
(We continue to dole out advice on Aardvark)
Aardvark: You there? I have a question about *Sex* - can you help?
J (M/Brooklyn,NY): “What is sex?”
DSP: “Oh, I don't know why you're not there
I give you my love, but you don't care
So what is right and what is wrong
Gimme a sign”
J: “Please elaborate.”
DSP: “What is love
Oh baby, don't hurt me
Don't hurt me no more
What is love
Oh baby, don't hurt me”
J: “Still not getting it, more?”
DSP: “Whoa whoa whoa, oooh oooh
Whoa whoa whoa, oooh oooh”
J: “Thank you! I'm now ready for sex.”
Sunday, March 22, 2009
(We now sometimes give advice via Aardvark)
Aardvark: You there? I have a question about *dating* that I think you might be able to answer.
M: (25/M/SanFrancisco,CA) “Most awesomest place to find people to hook up with in San Francisco?”
DSP: “Oh for fucks sake get on match.com and meet some girls with herpes already.”
M: “Thanks”
Sunday, February 08, 2009
DSP: “You bought used tires?”
B: “I bought 2 used tires for $90.”
DSP: “Two? Are you not rotating your tires enough?”
B: “Apparently not.”
DSP: “You could get a jack and a torque wrench and rotate them yourself… an added bonus is getting to play Stanley Kowalski for an afternoon, which totally gets chicks moist.”
B: “You know that talking about cars is mostly only attractive to other men right?”
DSP: “Dude, coveralls. I know what I'm talking about.”
B: “OK good point.”
B: “Wait, also Stanley Kowalski was a rapist.”
DSP: “That is complicated.”
Friday, November 21, 2008
DSP: “GOD this girl. How do you have a bodonkadonk like that but have such slim features elsewhere? I am amazed.”
S: “Some girls got it like that.”
DSP: “Like, thin arms and legs, pretty face, good boobs and then SHAZAAAM!”
S: “That sounds pretty damn good.”
DSP: “YES you should go eat there, all their hosts are hot.”
S: “How is the food? Or does it matter.”
DSP: “Good, Gourmet magazine just rated them as one of the top 10 seafood restaurants in America. I would've taken a picture but I was with a client.”
S: “Hahaha! You're like, ‘excuse me, Mr. Smith, can you just lean to the left a bit? I'm trying to get that ass in focus.’”
DSP: “God. I want to see her sit on a sheet cake…I want to see her DESTROY that cake…with great vengeance and furious anger…”
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
M: “I'm so out of it. I feel like there are a million things to do and I don't know where to start.”
DSP: “Nah. Relax. Put your feet up. It's like that old story about the ants and the grasshopper. You know, how the ants were these suckers who worked too much and the grasshopper just kicked back and enjoyed life. That's why there's a cocktail named after the grasshopper and not the ants—cus he was a fun guy!”
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
M: “Oh god. Xxxxx's status msg is ‘…has a crush on sarah palin’.”
DSP: “We need to have smart kids that aren't assholes like Xxxxx. It's the only way to save America—for me to have as many kids as possible, with as many women as possible.”
M: “That's my biggest fear—that [my baby daughter] will grow up to be an asshole.”
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Your wife isn't that hot. Stop posting photos of her to Flickr.
Friday, August 22, 2008
JB: “DSP, I need help.”
DSP: “What's up?”
JB: “I need to make an "I fear ..." statement.”
DSP: “You don't have any fears? And you want to borrow one of mine?”
JB: “I do—but they are boring.”
DSP: “Like what?”
JB: “...I fear seeds.”
DSP: “HA HA HA! Oh man that's awesome. Put that down!”
JB: “No, it's weird.”
DSP: “Everyone else is going to have some dull bullshit like I fear I'll never get to be truly creative.”
JB: “Well, should I be specific? Because specifically I fear green pepper and cantaloupe seeds. Occasionally watermelon.”
DSP: “What is it about them?”
JB: “They cluster. It's like a little army! And it's too perfect how they get all aligned. I've got chills just thinking about it. What if there is some psychology that says that means I've been abused or something?”
DSP: “If I heard a girl say she was afraid of seeds I would hit on her. FACT.”
DSP: “You know how you were telling me the other day about how you dropped your baby and how bad it made you feel?”
DSP: “And I laughed and laughed...”
M: “Yeah, thanks!”
DSP: “Well now I know how you feel! I dropped my iPhone this morning!”
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
It's a good thing your iPhone doesn't have MMS because you would've gotten a picture of our penis by now.
Friday, June 20, 2008
S: “My mom's bird died.”
DSP: “WTF, she looked healthy last week!”
S: “I guess that's how it is with birds—they go really fast.”
DSP: “Don't let them blame me for giving her bird flu JUST BECAUSE I'M ASIAN.”
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
ON CHEATING
DSP: “What if the girl is really hot?”
M: “Yes I am sure you should not sleep with a random hot girl while the woman who wants you to fertilize her is away.”
DSP: “You always take their side! Don't you ever want to sleep with other men?”
M: “Yeah sure, but I don't.”
DSP: “Why not!”
M: “Well for one thing, I don't have time. But why are we talking about me! Don't do it. For your sake. You'll feel bad and you know it... you know what—if you won't feel bad and its purely for sex, do it.”
DSP: “...really? AWESOME! You're a good friend!!”
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
M: “Every mom thinks their child is the most beautiful.”
DSP: “I am hoping for an ugly baby. Like those pugs.”
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
DSP: “I'm single again! Know any hot girls who are smart and make a lot of money? Under 30 please.”
E: “Under 30? Too much baby talk? Retirement funds? Vacations to Florida?”
DSP: “Someone on the same timeline would be nice.”
E: “Hm.Do you even have a timeline?”
DSP: “Yes.”
E: “Crap, should I? What's your timeline?”
DSP: “Don't worry, Xxxxx drew one up for you. I've seen it.”
E: “What.”
DSP: “It is rigorous.”
E: “WHAT.”
DSP: “There are diagrams.”
E: “OMG he's going to kill me with 18 babies.”
DSP: “Check his documents folder. It's in there.”
E: “Oh in the folder labeled ‘not porn’?”
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
AND SO THE STUDENT HAS BECOME THE MASTER
DSP: “So—I shouldn't cheat on my taxes right?”
B: “Cheating is a strong word.”
Friday, February 15, 2008
GOD-DAMN IT. What did we just say? Panties OVER the garter! What are we supposed to do, get out a pair of scissors?!
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
M: “My mom always wanted a son.”
DSP: “Of course she did, they all do. If we were back in China you'd be at the bottom of a river right now! You think about that next time you feel like telling her you love her!”
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
TIMELY ADVICE FOR VALENTINES DAY:
Girls: Panties go on over the garter belt.
Boys: Thumbs go on the outside of your fingers when you're making a fist to punch someone; inside when you're doing... other things.
Friday, January 25, 2008
CONFESSION: We haven't turned on our Wii since September because every time we do, our ex-girlfriend's Mii pops up and it makes us want to call her.
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