A Catalogue of Malicious Life Advice
Need advice?
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
M: “Every mom thinks their child is the most beautiful.”
DSP: “I am hoping for an ugly baby. Like those pugs.”
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
DSP: “I'm single again! Know any hot girls who are smart and make a lot of money? Under 30 please.”
E: “Under 30? Too much baby talk? Retirement funds? Vacations to Florida?”
DSP: “Someone on the same timeline would be nice.”
E: “Hm.Do you even have a timeline?”
DSP: “Yes.”
E: “Crap, should I? What's your timeline?”
DSP: “Don't worry, Xxxxx drew one up for you. I've seen it.”
E: “What.”
DSP: “It is rigorous.”
E: “WHAT.”
DSP: “There are diagrams.”
E: “OMG he's going to kill me with 18 babies.”
DSP: “Check his documents folder. It's in there.”
E: “Oh in the folder labeled ‘not porn’?”
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
AND SO THE STUDENT HAS BECOME THE MASTER
DSP: “So—I shouldn't cheat on my taxes right?”
B: “Cheating is a strong word.”
Friday, February 15, 2008
GOD-DAMN IT. What did we just say? Panties OVER the garter! What are we supposed to do, get out a pair of scissors?!
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
M: “My mom always wanted a son.”
DSP: “Of course she did, they all do. If we were back in China you'd be at the bottom of a river right now! You think about that next time you feel like telling her you love her!”
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
TIMELY ADVICE FOR VALENTINES DAY:
Girls: Panties go on over the garter belt.
Boys: Thumbs go on the outside of your fingers when you're making a fist to punch someone; inside when you're doing... other things.
Friday, January 25, 2008
CONFESSION: We haven't turned on our Wii since September because every time we do, our ex-girlfriend's Mii pops up and it makes us want to call her.
Monday, January 14, 2008
DSP: “So it looks like it's just you and me for drinks.”
E: “Ok, I am in a pretty pissy mood just now.”
DSP: “Oh dear lord.”
E: “You may have to give me 20 minutes to cool off.”
DSP: “Jesus, is this about your menses?”
DSP: “Uh, so I wrote a critique like you asked... it may be harsh. I've tried to tone it down. In fact you may want to cut out that last bit.”
S: “I'm sure it is harsh, and I'm sure you have tried to tone it down, and I'll try again. But it's hard—the thing is pretty awful.”
DSP: “You know what should turn you on is my mastery of the difference between ‘its’ and ‘it's’.”
S: “You are so awesome. I'm only halfway through, but I'm getting all tingly in my naughty parts. I love it when you talk tough about design.”
DSP: “I changed the language at the end because originally it said ‘you suck’ too many times.”
Thursday, December 06, 2007
DSP: “I don't know man, you find a girl who isn't like that, you hang on.”
DSP: “Speaking of which, have you gone back to see that chick at Xxxxxxxx yet?”
S: “No, I will Saturday! I'm skurred!”
DSP: “What's the worst that could happen? Divorce? Deportation?”
S: “Nah, [my wife]'s a citizen now.”
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
DSP: “Ok, I like meat and anchovies—but this isn't about me; you can get whatever you want.”
S: “Damned right it's not. Jesus, I'm driving all the way out there, bringing you pizza, and driving you to work at the crack of dawn, so this pizza is going to be all about me. I'm getting dildos on it.”
Monday, October 15, 2007
S: “I felt kind of rejected last night when you fell asleep with your cock in my hand.”
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
K: “Do you watch Top Chef?”
DSP: “Nope. Is that the one with Gordon Ramsay?”
K: “No it's with Padma Lakshmi and the chef from Craft in NY. I love it. And they have casting calls in LA in two weeks. How funny if I showed up, no chef experience at all.”
DSP: “You should. You'll be the plucky wildcard. And they will show you crying. It'll be great.”
K: “Yeah, I wish I had someone to go with. Otherwise, it's more humiliating if I go alone.”
DSP: “For the audition, you should bake some rice krispie squares. And put little American flags on them.”
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
DSP: “It's not too late to have an abortion.”
M: “Speaking of cunts, the doctor drew me a diagram of an Asian vag and a black woman's vag—WOAH. Theirs are three times bigger apparently.”
DSP: “Why did he do this? And can I see.”
M: “Because I asked him what the chances of me tearing are, and he said, ‘well, let's put it this way...’ and drew the diagram. I should have asked for a copy of his artwork. It's like three times wider. Their butt holes too, apparently.”
DSP: “Are you sure he isn't just being racist?”
M: “Maybe.”
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
The mere act of putting our penis into your mouth, does not a "blowjob" make. You can't claim to have given us "tons" of blowjobs if we've never actually achieved orgasm from said insert-tab-A-into-slot-B. And finally, no blowjob should take longer than 10 minutes*. If it does, you're not doing it right and we're probably faking it. This means you're shit at it, and you need to look up directions on the internet.
Don't hate. We're just saying what your boyfriend is telling the other girls he fucks.
* This figure is generously padded.
** Just like your mom.
Friday, July 06, 2007
Jr: “SFO? or OAK”
DSP: “SFO. OAK is a pain in the ass to get to.”
Jr: “So I heard. FROM YOU. You are just prejudiced against OAK.”
DSP: “Yes.”
Jr: “Anti-Oakland bigot! You hate learning. And. Whatever else they have over there.”
DSP: “They have learning?”
Jr: “Isnt' there a school of some kind... I'm thinking of Berkeley.”
DSP: “Berkeley:Oakland::MIT:Boston”
DSP: “Well, if Boston was more like Baltimore. Or Teaneck.”
Jr: “Dude Teaneck gives me the willies. It sounds like something from Hostel III where someone decapitates someone and lowers his balls into their spurting neckhole.”
Jr: “Ew. That is the grossest thing I have ever thought.”
DSP: “Yes, that is exactly what Oakland is like. But with more hyphee.”
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
DSP: “Xxxxxxxx told me she dreamt she was pregnant and I said I dreamt she was someone else.”
J: “That is why you will die alone.”
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
K: “So I have to send a sympathy card to Xxxxx's mom. His grandmother died. I have only met her three times. Do you think I should sign:
- Love, [FirstName]
- [FirstName] [LastName]
- [FirstName] (Xxxxx's girlfriend)”
K: “Sorry I obsess over little things like this.”
DSP: “Sign it: [FirstName] [LastName] (I am letting your son bone me)”
Friday, May 18, 2007
DSP: “I promise not to kick your baby. When you're around.”
M: “You better not!”
DSP: “Come on, Uncle DSP wouldn't do that!”
DSP: “Oh listen—are you going to want me to lie about your baby's appearance? Or do you want the truth?”
M: “Umm... I guess it would be nicer to lie?”
DSP: “Ok, just planning ahead. I'd better go ahead and come up with some convincing lies now. ‘That baby is... breathtaking.’”
M: “I'd love to see how you are with your nephew.”
DSP: “My sister gets mad! She's all, There's nothing wrong with Xxxx! His eyes will straighten out!”
M: “!! Maybe you should lie!”
DSP: “He's cross eyed!! I'm sure he will excel at whatever his little heart desires! As long as it doesn't involve depth perception!”
M: “Yes, definitely lie for my baby.”
Friday, May 11, 2007
Zen or Just A Dick?
[Courtesy of U to the Dizzle]
Thursday, May 10, 2007
DSP: “Xxxx wouldn't sleep with me last night because she's ‘afraid of hurting me.’ She thinks I have... feelings.”
M: “That's a tough one.”
DSP: “I tried to explain that I'm just looking to have a good time but she wasn't getting it.”
M: “What did you say?”
DSP: “I told her I'm only interested in her body.”
M: “Maybe she's getting you back for not sleeping with her the last time.”
DSP: “That's what's so frustrating! I know we're on the same page with this!! So why can't she just do me already! AND I don't even really want it! I was going to cancel on her yesterday! Gah!”
M: “Aww, poor guy.”
DSP: “Why are girls so dense? Like, why can't you just believe that I am only interested in using you?!”
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
DSP: “I think Xxxxxxxx's new tattoo is hot. She's also lost a bit of weight since I broke up with her. This ALWAYS happens.”
M: “Oh man, you're so going to sleep with her.”
DSP: “It's the Dark Side Points diet plan—date me for a while, I break up with you, and BAM!
-10 lbs.”
DSP: “Speaking of which, you might want to plan on going out with me soon.”
Friday, April 20, 2007
M: “I have my 10 year high school reunion tonight. What do you say to people you haven't seen in 10 years?”
DSP: “ ‘Wow, you got fat.’ ”
M: “Should I tell them I got knocked up?”
DSP: “No, just tell them you got fat.”
Monday, April 16, 2007
DSP: “God, I keep eating the curry. It's a good thing I made 4 quarts of it.”
J: “You're gonna be sick.”
DSP: “Yes. I dated a girl in college who wouldn't go down on guys if they'd had Indian food recently. I thought that was vaguely racist.”
J: “Slut.”
DSP: “Eh?”
J: “When you care about what people have recently eaten, because you are gargling so much jizz that you're making rules about it, I would say you're a slut.”
DSP: “I think that's fair.”
J: “It also kind of sounds like she wants to be a cum connoisseur.”
DSP: “Speaking of which, I have to take someone to a dinner on Friday. Should I take Xxxx, the girl I work with, or Xxxxxx, my friend who just moved here because she's running away from an abusive relationship and has changed her name and is totally crazy.”
J: “But is she really crazy? Or just escaping crazy?”
DSP: “Eh, same difference. She has all sorts of problems. And I aim to be one of them.”
J: “You mean you're going to give her problems in bed?”
DSP: “That's the plan!”
J: “You should tell her that if she doesn't sleep with you, you will tell Xxxxxxx where she is.”
DSP: “OMG that is... brilliant.”
J: “Put together a package and say you sent it to me, and that if I don't talk to you for 3 days, I am supposed to mail it.”
DSP:
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
The best piece of advice anyone's ever given us about relationships is this: It is your girlfriend's job to bring joy into your life and make you feel good about who you are. If she isn't performing, you need to fire her and interview others for the position.
Girls, the advice is pretty much the same for you: There are hundreds of applicants just like you, except better qualified and with more experience. We hope for your sake you swallow.
OH NO WE DIDN'T